People Don’t Share Because They Want You to SUFFER
Posted May 4, 2010on:
Beatrice: I really hate when you’re talking to a close friend about things and they act like they have never been through “it” before. I was having a conversation about Toolman with Ann and how these last two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster, and she said, “Oh I can only imagine.” Huh? She is a stay at home mom and her husband has been laid off twice in the past 6 years. It is the same issue I had with her when I became a mom for the first time. I was nursing and OMG it was toe curling pain, and she was the only friend of mine that I trusted to tell all the grueling details to, and she would just listen and say nothing. I remember being 3 weeks into nursing and it wasn’t getting any better, going back and forth to the nursing consultant who would say if it is hurting you are doing something wrong. I learned by week 4 the pain went away, and no I was doing nothing wrong, but no one would tell me their experiences. Why are people like this? I am an open book, tell all the details and want to help others that are going thru experiences that I had, and I feel it can be beneficial.
Lila: Maybe she is in denial because she thinks it is something to be ashamed about. You know some people think that getting laid-off is like being fired. I don’t see it like that at all. She never even really admitted to you that her husband got laid-off. She also never really admitted to you that it was painful to breastfeed. Maybe it makes her feel like some sort of inept mother. Who knows?
You know I use to share information with people because I thought it was helpful and it showed I was empathetic. I have come to realize that people don’t want to hear it. They either think it will not happen to them or they can figure it out themselves. Both are stupid reasons because I personally would like to know what I can expect and I would like some ideas about how to handle it. That’s why I ask you. You will tell me the honest truth and I appreciate it.
B: I do think she is in denial, but also competitive. It is like another deep secret she carries, but when it happened to another of our friends she finally came clean. She had no problem telling her husband about this event but not about her, rather about our friend and her husband had so much to say and judge about it. I think she realized she was not really free to share in that relationship and she has trouble with everyone outside too.
I sometimes wish I was just a wee bit more reserved with my feelings, but I have tried and it eats my inside. I guess it is not in my cards. My mom is this way, so is her mom, and maybe it is just genetic. 🙂
L: I sometimes wish my filter worked better. Oh well. That’s who we are. We can’t change too much about ourselves.
Oliver thinks people don’t share because they want us all to suffer like they did. I think it’s partly true. There have been so many times when we say, “Why didn’t anyone tell us?” Because they want us to suffer.
B: I often think that too about the suffering. Although, I usually start thinking something is wrong or I am the only one who is having this issue, whatever that issue is. I do think that people have different experiences, but there are very common parenting issues that people keep secret, and once again we need each other to have that support. I asked my mom once why she didn’t tell me things and she always says it is moments of hard times that you seem to forget the most.
L: This extends beyond parenting. People hide a lot of things. I have found the perfect forum for all this when people don’t want to share. I just google it. You can find a lot of forthcoming people online.
B: Yes, but then you have to be careful with what you read on the internet. The internet was my worst enemy when I was pregnant. I thought I had every problem during pregnancy thanks to the internet.
L: What? Not everything on the Internet is true?