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Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Read the article here: Boyfriend’s Affadavit

Lila:     What is wrong with these people? First of all, this is an 18-year-old having a sexual relationship with a 12-year-old. She’s not even a teenager yet and the pervert is attracted to this girl. Sicko. And then the sicko’s mom?!!! Who kicks their children out so you can live with your new boyfriend? A registered sex offender no less. This is so tragic because now the 12-year-old is dead. But what is wrong with these people? Don’t they see how dysfunctional it is to behave this way.

Beatrice:     I read about this earlier. There are some secrets in her family?? Why did it take this long to get out, and I wonder if the mother of Kayleah came forward with all this while she was looking for her daughter? How can a 12-year-old have a boyfriend and he is 18?? Glad he is in jail!

L:     I know! That is so disgusting. This kid should have been questioned a long time ago. I know he has not been found guilty of killing her, but WTF? That is so messed up. The mother should be charged for neglect because she should have done something about the relationship when she found out last December.

B:     I think there is something way more to the story that isn’t being told. He isn’t even considered a suspect, which makes me wonder if someone in her home is?? If you had knowledge that your daughter was having relations at the age of 12, then you shouldn’t let her walk to a party by herself. I would be questioning everywhere she is going and doing!!!

It seems kids are growing up way too fast. When I was 12, I was awkward and still very much a girl wanting to play with my other girl friends. Sure I thought boys were cute, but I wasn’t thinking sex.
L:     When I was twelve, I would giggle when I saw people kissing. I think, just like when we were kids, these kids want to be like the people they see on TV. The difference is the people on TV are much more sexually active nowadays. Look at some of the shows. They are freely having sex in high school and it’s all okay. No, it’s not. A young kid is too emotionally immature to handle something like that. Who am I kidding? A lot of “adults” are too immature to handle sex.
B:     I wouldn’t blame it on TV, as Europe is very open sexually and have always been. They started having the same issues as US around the same times. One would argue that you expose kids to it, then it becomes no big deal and would steer children away from it. I wouldn’t argue that as I think sex is an adult matter and should be treated as such. I think our society has so many flaws that it is hard to say where and what it is that makes us this way. More access to all this technology doesn’t help, in fact I am fearful it will lead to our demise. More and more people having children out-of-wedlock, getting divorced, having overall a dysfunctional family, etc. All of this is more common than it once was.
L:     Then what is it? What is causing our children to be so promiscuous at such a young age? I want to protect my child. I want him to make intelligent decisions.
B:     I don’t know what is causing it. My guess is a lot of factors. It is up to us to raise our children differently. We have been keeping the TV off at nights, only watch it when they are asleep. Why do high school kids look older, more like college age? Why are teenage boys bigger than many adult males? These are all questions I have. I go to the gym and see girls and boys, who have their high school attire on, but they look much older than they are. Really sad!
L:     If you ask my mom, she would say, “it’s because of the milk and hamburgers.” Maybe she is on to something. But the hormones are just making the kids physically mature faster. There have even been studies showing this was true. But I think the things they see and allow to experience makes them want to emotionally mature faster. I mean there are day spas that cater to children. Why would a three-year old need a manicure and a pedicure? Keep this up and there is no doubt they would want to have sex earlier.
B:     All the processed foods and the fact we want to give kids everything we do as adults. Maybe?
L:     Wow…you summed it up in one sentence for me. Awesome. But because this happens, we entice the sexual predators more and more.

Lila:     Oh, how was Toolman’s on Friday interview?

Beatrice:     He had 3 interviews last week, all with different companies. One was in CO, but the other two out-of-state. The one in Colorado is no good. There will probably be an offer but Toolman has no interest. He went to the interview up in Ft. Collins and the guy showed up 15 minutes late and was wearing shorts and cutoff sleeved shirt. He was very unprofessional and went on about how he was brought in from San Diego a couple of years ago to turn the company around, which is a red flag. They are a smaller firm, but do big business. Toolman said his gut said to stay away. He is really interested in the other two companies and basically would land his dream job if offered either of the two. Fingers are crossed.

Later that night….

Toolman received a job offer today from the place in Ft. Collins and doesn’t know what to do since he is hoping for the other two to come through. It is a pay increase and we would still be in CO. He did some calling around to find out about the reputation of this firm and has heard nothing but stellar reviews, so I think he should take it and still position himself to see if the other ones offer him something he can’t refuse. The guy wants him to start this week. Can you believe it? 8 weeks without a job and he didn’t thoroughly enjoy it. Now he is having to go back to work. Well that is if he accepts the offer. I will be a little upset if he doesn’t. The guy wanted to know his answer by tonight and is worried Toolman will take something else, so he knows he has the ball in his court and can renegotiate. Good day!

L:     Well that is awesome news!!! He should definitely renegotiate and bring up the fact that he will have to make that awfully long commute. I think that is a valid point. They need to increase the salary or give him a company car. I thought he had a bad feeling about this company? Congratulations to Toolman!!

B:     He did have a bad feeling, but what is funny is the comments came after he spoke to several guys he use to work with. However immediately after the interview, he told me all kinds of good things, so I don’t know if he was influenced by his ex-co-workers. What is funny is after he got the offer, he immediately called several people who are entrepreneurs that he has known for years in around Ft. Collins and all of them had nothing but great things to say about this firm. All general contracting firms get rated too, and the ratings are top of the line, so I think he has reconsidered. He still wants to keep looking at all his options with the San Antonio and Virginia outfit, so time will tell. His severance hasn’t run out yet and he feels great!

L:     But it sounds like these people want an answer soon. I would definitely negotiate for a higher salary and stall. I am still a little confused but at least it is a great sign he has an offer on the table.

B:     He is negotiating his salary and knows that this operations manager expects it. I told him to take it and to keep his search going to see if that dream job comes about. The idea of moving to another state was rather intriguing, but who knows. It still may happen. The guy wants an answer tomorrow, but Toolman is going to tell him he wants the offer in writing and a breakdown of his benefits and to give him 24 hours to think it over. He is going to tell him he can’t start until Monday as we are taking the kids camping. Everything will work out, just may not be as quickly as he likes. “He” being Toolman.

L:     Sounds great for you guys. See, everything will work out. If you are looking to move, what would you do in the mean time?

B:     Take it as it comes. Opportunity knocks and looking forward to the adventure of where we end up.

Beatrice:     Last night I had the run of the mill of bad dreams. I think yesterday really messed with my mind, with regards to the guy who sits near me and him being so badly beaten. I had dreams that my children were in danger and that we attended a funeral for a child. I kept waking up and trying to get it out of my head, but would go right back to sleep with another bad dream. I think, too, because I was talking to Toolman about the incident and then about how he is sick of not having a job . So all these bad thoughts right before bedtime is not a good thing. I was also thinking about how I need to spend more quality time with the kids vs. what I am doing now. Ugg, I wonder if all dreams have a meaning or if it is your deep thoughts of fear at work.

Lila:     I think dreams are a summary of your day and it helps you process through the thoughts and events. It is important to dream because it is an avenue to get your feelings and frustrations out.

I think you had a horrible day. Seeing that guy who was severely injured in a fight was too much for you. I, also, think you are going through a rough patch. Sucks, but I know everything will be alright because I can feel that a good change is coming. I got a lot of good, settling news yesterday and today will be a great day. Just tell yourself that.

B:     I do tell myself that everyday, but then today I was on the bus sitting in front of two men, who I heard talk the Thursday before this week about jobs and the openings they have. Crazy enough they work in Toolman’s industry. I went home that week and told Toolman about the conversation and he said he would not want to work at this company in question. I don’t blame him because the guys were really negative and spewed a bunch of crap at the same time. So today they are on the bus talking about the amount of resumes they have received for various positions. Two of the positions they were talking about Toolman does not do nor want to do, however they were  also talking about one position that he is qualified for. They stated that they received 150 applications.which made me feel discouraged, but won’t be telling Toolman about this. He hasn’t done too much this week with regards to looking for a job, and last night was feeling guilty about it.

L:     The truth is we may be out of a recession, but things will not change until the market gets a lot better. Confidence will be up. People will want to buy big-ticket items. For now, everyone is feeling discouraged. You are not alone. What about the idea of starting his own company? Do some consulting work until something more permanent comes along.

B:     He has thought of all those, it is just a matter of doing it. He has now been off 7 weeks, and has lots of good leads, a few interviews, but still waiting to get something. He just needs to be more aggressive. The good thing that has come out of this is the amount of time he has spent with the kids. You can see they enjoy him being home and they tend to ask him things more than they use to. I told him last night to enjoy it while he can, since he will never get this time back. 🙂

The work neighbor came back to work today, and the swelling has gone done a lot, but still really messed up. He told me he is more angry than anything and that he would like to find out who did it. I was a little baffled at this and he said he should have never been out that late. He was up to something.

L:     What? If he is angry, why didn’t he report it? Now they will never be able to catch the culprits.

B:     He supposedly contacted the police yesterday, who told him they could do nothing about it since he didn’t have a description. I find this hard to believe.

L:     Lies, lies, lies.

B:     Wish I was a fly on the wall during this episode.

Lila:     Looks like another one bites the dust. Al and Tipper Gore are going to separate after 40 years. After 40 years, why would you go through the formality of divorcing? They claimed to have grown apart, so go ahead and just live separate lives. What are they going to do now? Start dating again? Can you imagine starting all over again in your 60’s? I would just suck it up and live the rest of my life quietly. I understand they are in the public eye so anything they do will be scrutinized, therefore they have no choice to make it official. But Warren Buffett is in the public eye and he never divorced his wife. He just left her alone and spent time with his real lady-love.

I remember when I was working at the bank, a lady came in for advice because she was in her late 50’s and was having to start all over again. Her husband decided, on the eve of his retirement, that he did not want to retire with her. He was going to divorce her and remarry his long-time mistress, who was his secretary. Can you imagine that? OMG!!!! She had devoted her whole life to him and their family and then he decided to end everything when they were on the last leg of their trip of life. I was shocked. Why didn’t he just continue with the charade? She knew what was going on. She said she would have preferred that over the humiliation that she had to face every day. So sad.

Beatrice:     I don’t know that I agree only because I watch my parents who are both in their early 60’s and are actually very active, traveling all over the world, taking classes, watching their grandkids and spending a lot of quality time with other 60 year olds. They are all having the time of their lives being retired. I wouldn’t want to damper it with a failed relationships, especially one where you have to live with the person you are no longer in love with. That would be horrible. I would rather be by myself than pretending in a marriage.

Unfortunately, I think divorce is on the rise for those going into retirement because the couple does not want the same things in their life. There are also a lot of couples who only stay married for the sake of their children and once the children are gone they have to deal with each other and well that just won’t work.

L:     Yes, but your parents are happy and enjoy each other’s company. I am not saying they have to live together. I think it would be better to be upfront with the family and say that there will be a different arrangement. They can live apart and get together during major family events. Why go through the hassle of getting a divorce, splitting your assets, etc. There are major consequences for that action. Just move out and live separate lives. That way, the couple are not staying together for the sake of children.

My friend, Mike, has parents that are very unusual. His parents are separated and have been for decades. They live apart, they have separate lives, date other people, and only come together at major functions. His father is one of the best divorce attorneys in town. Can you believe that? Anyway, he knows the consequences of a divorce and believes it is better to just stay together.

I think my feelings are embedded in the thought that you don’t need to get married unless you are planning to have children and raise a family. At the same time, you don’t have to get married just because you are expecting unless it is something that was planned all along. Two mistakes don’t make a right. On the flip side, you don’t need to get a divorce after being together for sooooo long if you are not planning to remarry and start, again. Of course there is one caveat, the relationship you are currently in is not dysfunctional or abusive in any way.

B:     It seems that you have thought a lot into this topic. I have not. I can see your side of the issue and the side that people want to be completely removed from their past and the way to do this is to completely separate, i.e. divorce. Mike’s father is smart because he has a lot to lose in order of divorce, however the wife has a lot to gain. Many people who are 50 and older don’t consider it too late to start again, and they may want to remarry and in order to do this you can’t stay married.

L:     I have thought a lot about it because I have spent a lot of time alone and able to just watch relationships flourish or in some cases, diminish.

I have read that most divorces are initiated by women. Maybe you are on to something. Most women have more to gain from divorces and that’s why they want the complete, clean break. As women become more and more of the main bread-winner, we’ll see less divorces.

B:     I don’t think we will see less and less divorces, they appear to be on the rise. It may go down in percentage because fewer people will opt out of marriage. However I think people don’t see marriage the way it was 50 years ago. It is a sacred thing to me, however more and more view it as a nice thing to have. But if it doesn’t work out, then so be it; at least they gave it a shot. It is too easy to divorce and even know you are talking about the money side of things, that is not often an issue with most people. Most very well-to-do people have prenups, and then there is the not-so-well-to-do people who have nothing to begin with. The ones in between just split everything 50 / 50, and they know that going into the divorce so it is appealing to them.

L:     I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage. I don’t think you can embark on it willy-nilly. It is a serious commitment, but it is not also a necessity to have in order to have a fulfilling life. Who knows what is going on these people’s head? I know several people who have wedded a few times and wonder to myself why do they keep trying? If it wasn’t working for them after the second marriage, why try it again? It makes no sense to me. I would just give up and say marriage is not for me. Maybe they should make it harder for people to get married.

B:     I think that is the answer we need to make it harder to marry, not just pick on the gay community, but all of us.

L:     Here here sista. We should make it harder for everyone. Make it such a pain in the a$$ that people don’t even want to bother unless they truly belive in it. Then the devoted will be the only ones that will get married.

B:     I second that! It would just get in the way of the Constitution and then it would become a fight if it were to be done that way. Oh well, at least some of us believe in it for all the reasons it was put into existence in the first place.

L:     According to this article, couples divorce after decades of being married because they are living longer so they don’t want to spend their golden years with someone they cannot stand and divorce is more acceptable. I guess that makes sense, but I am a practical girl. I would just move out.

Read the article here: Why call it quits after decades of marriage?

B:     My parents are one of a lucky few, although my mom will say that my dad is often weird as he is aging. LOL.

Beatrice:     So this past weekend we had our playdate with the nerd and her 3 children. We went to Tiny Town and it was fun, however she is one strange bird. The thing is that she saw Toolman at every soccer practice and because her son likes our son, she would talk to him. When it came time to asking us about setting up a playdate, she asked Toolman, while I was sitting right next to him. She only addressed the question to Toolman, of which he told her to get with Beatrice. Then she sends me the email, since that was the only way she can contact us, and asked about places and times to meet. However that morning she called the house and left a message for Toolman saying she was running late and if he thought they should bring coats. Kind of annoyed me. Toolman is not a stay at home dad. He is laid off for 7 weeks and she is treating him like the stay at home dad. It is bizarre to me that she keeps asking him to do stuff with the kids and not me, even after Toolman told her to ask Beatrice.

The other thing that has been annoying me lately is how Toolman acts with other children and he does not even know how it looks to others. He is trying to get E’claire out of her shell so that she will talk to other kids, but the way he does it makes me mad. I basically told him last night to knock it off, that she is who she is and she will figure it out in due time. Brody was a social being from day one and E’claire is more to her self or the bossy one. She has no interest as of now to engage with other kids. She is only 3 and will start figuring it out very soon. Brody was not the norm. I guess he is bugging me because he is more outgoing to total strangers than he is his own family and close friends.

Lila:     Okay, you might get mad at me for saying this, but here it goes….

To an outsider, they will see Toolman as the main caregiver because he is the one at all the functions. He may be temporarily laid-off, but people don’t see that. They figure that since he has nothing else going on, he must be in charge of all the family duties as well. We both know this is not the truth, but people just don’t know. Trust me, I know because people always assume Oliver is in charge of everything. It’s really hard to accept their reactions because you play such an integral part of the parenting.

And as hard as it is for you to accept the perception, it is much harder for Toolman to accept. Oliver and I have talked about this over and over, again. There is a stigma to being a “stay-at-home dad” or, in your case, being the only father at an all-mothers event. Here is a little piece of advice I want to share with you, while Toolman is temporarily being the “main caregiver,” you have to trust him to take care of the children in the best way he sees fit. If he feels that this is the way to get E’Claire to open up, you have to let him try. He is a parent, too, and you have to let him trust his instincts. If it doesn’t work, he will see it eventually and abandon the attempt. And if you think about making a suggestion, you have to be very careful about what you say so that you don’t sound like you are criticizing him.

There have been so many times when I have not agreed with what Oliver was doing, but I had to let it go and trust him to get it right. His intentions are good. It’s so hard to bite my tongue, but I have to let him try.

B:     Oh I hear what you are saying, however I am not the type to bite my tongue and he knows that . So I will tell him how it looks when he does what he does. As far as his reactions around other kids, I had to tell him what it looks like to parents. He has good intentions, which I made a point to tell him this however he should know what it looks like from a trusted source. Hopefully this stay at home gig will end soon.

L:     It’s really hard on a guy.

B:     No kidding. It is hard on a guy who does not choose it. He does not want this and doesn’t even try to embrace the time he does have.

L:     I think it is really different for men because they don’t initially define success as being a family man. I think it takes time for them to realize how important it is. For women who have to raise a family, they sleep better knowing their family is safe. For men with a family, they are at ease knowing they have provided for their family, therefore their job and careers are more important. Don’t you think? That’s why Toolman has a hard time embracing this time with the kids.

B:     I totally agree!

L:     For a lot of men, they realize the importance of family way too late and regret things. By that time, the kids are out of the house and then what? They can’t get that time back. It’s too bad really.

Watch the Jesse James interview here.

Lila:     Did you watch the Jesse James interview on Nightline? I could not stay up that late, but I watched it online. What a shmuck! I don’t feel bad for him at all. I cannot believe he did that to her when all she did was love him. He claimed that it was on his own accord and he was being self-destructive. Jerk.

Beatrice:     I did not watch it, but have seen clips of it and have seen commentary by media. The commentary I read and watched was that he had shopped his interview to Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer, who both turned him down. Apparently it was rehearsed and calculated. Did it appear that way on the interview?

L:     It was hard to accept because Sandra Bullock has been nothing but awesome to him and his kids. He blamed a lot of his behavior to the mistreatment he received from his father. I can totally see how his father was a hard-a$$ to him. His father abused him physically and emotionally. I can see that happening. It was another piece evidence that showed corporal punishment does not work.

Would you, as a mother of two, ever spank your children?

B:     I am not totally against spanking, so I would not say that I would not do it and I have spanked my kids. Sometimes time out doesn’t work, nor does taking their toys away. My parents spanked me and my brother, and it got our attention. Is it something I would do automatically, no. But there are times it is effective. I think spanking is different from what Jesse James is saying his father did to him.

L:     I was spanked as well. But after a while, my brothers and I would rather have the spanking over any other punishments. This was because the physical pain was temporary and as a result I did not think it was very effective. My brother swore he would not repeat my parents’ method because he thinks it led to his anger management issues, like Jesse. My brother is very strict with his girls and they are good girls. Oliver and I have decided no spanking for now. We think violence begets more violence, but we’ll see.

B:     I think it is easy to say no spanking when you have an infant, as Toolman and I said the same thing, but we have done it and it is very affective. We have done it once on Brody and threatened E’claire with it, so it isn’t something we have done too often. I think it is a different issue if it is being done repeatedly. I remember being spanked two times in my life, and it was warranted and very effective. I do however think the discussion of whether to spank or not to isn’t really a discussion amongst most, but rather an argument. So I don’t typically join in on these topics, as I have seen it explode and I am not one who is going to judge another parent for what they deem appropriate when it comes to discipline. I don’t believe spanking is physical abuse.

L:     Like I said, we’ll see. We said a lot of things we weren’t going to do, but we do it.

I think with Jesse James, it was beyond just a spanking. And for my mother and grandmother ( not my dad) spanking was excessive. It was the way back then.

Beatrice:     Brody had a horrible-no good-very bad day at preschool today! I guess he was quite the bully, and then argued with the teacher after she told on him to daddy. He claimed this other boy started it by spitting on him. The teacher told Toolman that he has never acted this way in the two years she has had him, and that even after getting after him, he still acted out. Needless to say he is in trouble. I guess he was hugging kids, putting a headlock grip on the boys, and just pushing them to the edge. When Toolman said that he is going to have to tell his mommy, Brody started to cry. I wonder if it has to do with school almost being done for the year? Either way he is in big trouble.

Lila:     Oh boy. Maybe it is the end of the year. When I was a schoolteacher, the kids would act up more when they knew vacation was starting soon. It is also the spring. All of a sudden, the birds are chirping, the flowers are blossoming, and the bear awakens. This holds true with children as well.

What are you going to do?

B:     I am going to watch him to see if there are any changes. But for now, we are going to have a conversation and take away his favorite item until he proves himself at the next preschool day, which is Thursday. He was just given a new toy on Sunday and I may take that a way, not sure quite what item to take yet.

L:     Wow. I have not been there yet, but like I said before, bigger kids, bigger problems. I am sure it is just a small incident.

Thomas misbehaves from time to time with me, more so than with his dad. He likes to see how far he can get with me. I have put him in timeout and I think it works because when I scold him, he laughs. Boy, is it frustrating.

B:     I think it is funny that you mention a topic, “you” being anyone, and the very topic arises. It is like saying I haven’t been sick in years, and bam you get hit with the worst cold of the decade. I am anxious to get home and see what Brody has to say.

L:     Maybe we have ESP. Lol.

I wonder if he will try to kiss up to you. I know Thomas does that the moment he knows he did something wrong.

B:     He use to do that, but now he knows to get it over with. He definitely has a guilty conscience and can’t deal with it. Which I am glad that he is like this, as I know the little guy knows right from wrong.

L:     Then he’ll know not to behave like a bully again.

B:     The teacher made a point to say he was not bullying, but that is the only adjective I can use to describe what I think it was.

L:     Well I am sure he won’t misbehave, again.

B:     Not for a while I hope. 🙂

Having Coffee

2 Gabby Gals